Sun in Cancer

I wake up to a troubled morning with despair on my lips. With so many things gone awry, I can not place my finger on what of the many things breaks my heart this morning. I feel fear and pain, my eyes refusing to open to grasp the light of the day. And I wonder if happiness is a choice. If this misery  is a switch I could turn off. I debate on the absurdness of an inorganic and forced joy. I go back and forth between intended happiness and organic bliss. I suddenly think of what mother would say.

And I start writing, if I was a mother to myself, how would I handle this morning. The first sentence  I write is ‘go out in the sun and  embrace the morning‘. And that is exactly what I did. Feeling myself again next to the flower of this beautiful beautiful Dahlia, waking up under the bright sun of the solstice. Her mother made her go out and dance in the air of a sublime summer morning.

Sun in Cancer rises today reminding me of the motherhood of this existence. How she conceives, sustains, births, nurtures life. How this air, this space, the warmth of my skin, the color of this grass, the mixed sounds of crackling branches and sweet birdsongs and running breath, my heartbeats, is all her. It is all her. Her kindness and nourishing holding us every moment. Her tender and soft ways. Her beauty. Her divinity.

And how beautiful life would be if I could be this mother to myself. If I could be kind and tender to myself this way, holding myself without doubts and regrets, with only love and compassion for myself, the way mother is. Let this cancer season wash over my isolation. Let it connect me with the mother in me that holds my soul.